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Homeland Security Arrests Counterstrike Dev Team


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The FBI, working in conjunction with the Department of Homeland Security, raided Valve headquarters early this morning, detaining several developers who work directly with the popular “Counterstrike” mod. Authorities also confiscated computers used to program the game. The developers are currently being held on charges of domestic terrorism at an undisclosed U.S. prison that may or may not be inside the United States.


“Intelligence agencies working with law enforcement have discovered a vast and troubling network of gamers working together within our country training themselves in strategies and tactics that could potentially be used by domestic terror cells,” Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff told reporters at a press conference held in the White House shortly after the raid. “We have detained the instigators of this domestic terrorist training program, and further arrests will be forthcoming as we track down individuals using this "Steam" network.”The underground terrorist training network is none other than the popular Counterstrike modification to Valve’s blockbuster Half-Life and Half-Life 2 games. In the game players choose to work either as terrorists or counter terrorists, setting them up the bomb or trying to disarm the bomb.


Counterstrike is well known as a platform for training young people in squad tactics. Strategies covered include using riot shields all the time, using computer programs to grant you the uncanny ability to shoot someone in the head every time, shooting your colleagues in the back as they leave base and then laughing about it, screaming at everyone over the closed communication system, not hitting puberty yet, and firing automatic weapons in every direction without any concern for who you hit - friend or enemy - as long as you rack up a kill score. The spray and pray strategy was particularly worrisome to Homeland Security since that is the favored tactic of Iraqi insurgents and Iraqi security forces. All of these are skills that Homeland Security worries could be used to incite the youth of America into a revolution that could overthrow the government.


Secretary Chertoff refused to comment on speculation within the media that this entire “operation” was the result of him getting thoroughly owned in Counter-Strike the previous night by someone who claimed they worked at Valve.


Homeland Security may also be going after Teamspeak and Ventrilo on charges of aiding the terrorists who were planning this takeover for the past seven years via servers around the world. At the very least experts suspect that Ventrilo, Skype, and Teamspeak could soon become the latest addition to the warrantless wiretapping controversy as the government attempts to chase down leads.


The ACLU has filed a lawsuit against the government claiming that they don’t have the authority to detain U.S. citizens without charges. Secretary Chertoff has assured the press that a little known provision of the Patriot Act allows him to detain “punk-ass lamers who spend all their time camping and sniping when they should be out in the open playing the game like it was ***** meant to be played.”


Though the Patriot Act does grant the government terrifyingly broad and sweeping powers for investigating and detaining individuals it deems suspicious, no legal experts have been able to find the specific paragraph of the Patriot Act that deals with punk-ass lamer campers.




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